I would say I’m sort of a “medium” fan of Dead or Alive; I thought the mechanics of the second one were good, and had a lot of fun playing it against friends, but the whole “freakishly large breasts swaying as though underwater” thing just creeps me out.

That said, if someone were to ask me to make a low-budget feature movie out of the series, here’s what I’d do: I’d get a bunch of B-list porn stars to play the leads, because they’d have enough flexibility and stamina to do fake kung-fu, and wouldn’t be ashamed to play characters best known for their gravity-defying floppy tits. I’d film it in China, where everything is cheap, and crews who have spent their entire lives making kung-fu movies are a dime a dozen. I’d include as much “clever partial nudity” as I could possibly show and still retain the PG-13 rating necessary to draw in the 13-year-olds the games are aimed toward. Then I’d find some German company to finance the whole thing because, as Uwe Boll proves, they’ll throw money at anything with a video game tie-in. I’ve heard it’s actually some sort of tax write-off for them, but never bothered to learn the details.

Surprisingly, it looks like I’m not the only super-genius in the world, because someone else actually WAS tasked with making a Dead or Alive movie, did exactly what I outlined above, and created a trailer to prove it. My prognosis is that this is not going to be a cinematic masterpiece, but will do much better than expected, and may, arguably, turn out to be the best video-game-to-movie conversion yet, at least until Silent Hill comes out. I should note at this point that I’m often wrong.

Thanks to Kotaku for slogging through the slow trailer download and then reposting it somewhere not so slow.

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