I thought she fought Nazis… maybe these are medieval Nazis?
One can only assume that the video game Bloodrayne was born from a night of heavy drinking:
Guy 1: Tomb Raider is really popular! Let’s make a game with a hot chick in it!
Guy 2: Yeah, but let’s make her hotter… like a red head!
Guy 3: Yeah! And a hooker… um…
Guy 2: A hooker assassin!
Guy 3: A vampire hooker assassin!
Guy 1: (barely able to speak over the giggling) Who’s bisexual!
All 3 Guys: And she fights Nazis!!
In the morning, as the coroner packed their alcohol-poisoned bodies into his van, a nameless vagrant found the bar napkin on which they’d scrawled their horrible idea, and sold it to Majesco for 8 hojillion dollars. Since then, Bloodrayne has appeared on every system imaginable (well, not the ZX Spectrum), and has even bared her misshapen, ham-like breasts for Playboy. Now, years later, Uwe Boll is turning it into a movie, chock full o’ actors at the ends of their careers like Udo Kier, Ben Kingsley, Billy Zane, and Meatloaf, and the trailer is now available, for all to revel in its horribleness.
I keep hearing people complain about how Uwe Boll is “ruining video games” with his horrible movies. Let’s have a show of hands of everyone who thought that Bloodrayne was a masterpiece, and will be “ruined” by Uwe Boll’s movie. Anyone? OK, how about Alone in the Dark? Dungeon Siege? House of the Dead? Sure, people liked House of the Dead (or “Hizzy of the Dizzy“, as it’s known in the hood), but no-one would call it a masterpiece. I’ll get upset if Uwe Boll makes a horrible movie out of Ico, or Klonoa, or Rez, but I really don’t see that happening ever. Meanwhile just sit back, quit whining, and either enjoy or ignore his painfully awful movies of painfully awful video games. Supposedly, the director’s commentary tracks on both House of the Dead and Alone in the Dark are absolutely hilarious.
Update: According to Ain’t it Cool News, the movie was cast only 2 weeks before filming started, Michael Madsen spent the entire production drunk, and most of the extras were Romanian whores. I can’t wait to hear the commentary track on this one!